Watching Gay Porn with a Married Man

What a grand idea it seems to romantically love more than one human being. Alas, I have found none worthy. Asexuality has prevailed, and truthfully I am content. For now. I even let a few extra pounds stick around. I could loose them easily in a couple weeks, but why bother when I have no desire to let anyone see my body anyway. Not cause of how it looks. If the sudden urge to get down arose, a bit of extra cushin wouldn’t stand in anyones way. It gets borring sleeping with the same person and not falling in at least a deep like for them. Alternately, sleeping with strangers looses its appeal after awhile too. So, I’m just gonna take a break from intimacy. 

Jackson and I are back in communication. He’s such a babe. At least his photos showcase him to be. He could totally be the escape from bordom of some creepy crazy internet stalker person, but I really don’t believe that to be the case. Even tho there is no harm in long distant communicating, part of me is still fearful I’ll fuck it up in some way cause I’m not really in the market for love. Maybe thats the best time to let something bloom. 

I think I might be depressed but I keep talking myself out of it. I’m not convinced it is true but I harbor the symptoms. 

Since I have nothing to share in my current sex life I shall share a story from the archives:

When I was living in New York I really enjoyed spending every bit of my expendable income on partying. I also did not really make enough to support this habit. A girl friend introduced me to the lucrative world of Craigslist Adult Gigs (which no longer exists) and after selling my first pair of worn panties I was hooked. I had countless encounters with men engaging in numerous fetishes, all shy of considering myself a prostitute. Today, I will share my experience with Mike.

It was my first time going to a motel for only a couple hours and with a stranger. Mikes post on CL stated he was searching for a lady to watch gay porn with and nothing more. I can’t remember how many other “gigs” I had been on before this one, but trusting my instincts never steered me wrong before. He said he had done this only one time before with a lady older than me and that he really enjoyed himself. He had a couple teenaged kids and was recently separated from his wife. He undressed to only his boxers and requested I also wear only my underwear. Mike told me he preferred gay porn because men cannot fake orgasm and it was much hotter to watch and believe they were deriving real pleasure. He insisted he had no homoerotic desires but had fantasized about being sodomized by a strap-on clad female. We watched “his favorite” video on his lap top and he stoked himself. “Doesn’t this turn you on?” he asked, So I began also touching myself. It didn’t turn me on, but this wasn’t about me. I was being paid to help this man reach sexual climax in an unconventional way. The thing with the vagina, though, is if the clitoris is stimulated it tells the brain you really should take it all the way home. So off went my panties and I went to town in that crusty room, Mikes attention turned fully to me. I came so hard. I had never been watched before. Mike was so pleased he wanted to meet again next week, but I had a rule that I never saw the same John twice. I learned they get too comfortable and expect more for less. It’s an uniquely awesome feeling to make cash, be kinky and not have to even touch the person paying you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes miss it.

Celibacy

I was 19 when I lost my hetero V-card. The man I gave it to has been my best friend for 8 years and is my current house mate. I didn’t plan it that way. He wasn’t my bestie when it happened, but I knew he was special and I felt very safe with him. Similarly to my relationship with alcohol, after the first taste of sex it became a prominent part of my lifestyle. Less than a week later I found myself on the bottom bunk of one of his Sigma Chi brother’s bed, another brother in the top bunk telling wasted me I would be so much cooler if I removed my shirt. A DVD of Family Guy served as a mild distraction as I half willingly participated in my first doggie style sexual encounter. Just like that, sex went from special and new to completely meaningless and would stay that way to this very day. Sure, there have been MANY really fun times, but very few of them came from a place of love. I long ago stopped counting how many sexual partners I have had, but I could easily name the handful whom I have some form of loving feeling towards.  This short list includes Lucius, who still will not communicate with me. 

As I have said before, I am no sex feind. I have had an un admissible number of one night stands;  the number of times I have had sex is not many more than the number of people I did it with. In the past I used sex as a means to self abuse along with other destructive behaviors. Maybe somehow I thought it made me interesting. Maybe it does. I think it’s less of the act of sex I was/am looking for and more of the attention and feelings of bringing satisfaction to another human that I crave. So, there was this time of about nine months when I swore off the stuff. I fled my beloved wild Brooklyn life and shacked up with my mom in borring Jacksonville, Florida, where not one single person I would ever even consider letting near my vagina lived. I didn’t think about or miss one bit the sex and drugs I left behind. I caught a really great tan and toned my body. I cooked and hung out with my lovely mother. Celibacy streak ended when I visited my old stomping grounds. Not with one of my old flings or a new random, but with the best friend of my dear dead Matthew. I didn’t know Emily well, but fell for her hard that night  when I was left in her hands for entertainment. We drank a bunch, flirted and ended the evening naked in her living room. I went back to Florida the next morning convinced I was in love with her. Even so, believing my heart was spoken for, I went on an OK Cupid date with a handsome hipster boy who lived in Brooklyn in the same time frame as myself, but for financial reasons had returned home. I had no clue sex would happen, but it did. It wasn’t bad either. But I felt I had cheated even tho Emily gave me no indication I should. In the following weeks I made my mind up to move to San Francisco to live with my long lost bestie in hopes of re kindling our old music making flame.  All my energy and attention was focused into preparing for this change. 

Durring my first few months here I was still clinging to the belief I was in love with Emily, but I knew she didn’t feel the same. I thought this meant I should be on the hunt for a lady which led me into an adulterous relationship with a female coworker. We were “just friends” but I eagerly allowed her to cheat on her girlfriend with me. There’s a fun story associated with this relationship I will save for when and if I ever turn the ideas behind this blog into a book. I engaged in OK Cupid everyday, but went on no dates. Then Lucius entered my life and seemed a pretty swell fit. He was not as interested in sex as he was ensuring I felt protected and safe in our relationship. I had been in a real relationship like this only once before where the dude wanted to wait to have sex, almost as a means to prove he was interested in more. Lu went from playfully shoving me onto the bed for sweet make out sessions to showing little physical interest in me towards the end. I’ll never know what went wrong. If anything at all. In our 4 months of dating he stuck his penis inside of me only once. We did a lot of external play and I discovered I’m pretty good at giving hand jobs. At least to him. There were times when I felt so certain it was love because I had never experienced a euphoria anywhere near that closeness. So, when we collectively broke my heart/pushed each other away, I was devastated and needed badly to make bad choices. I have made a few handfulls of them since, letting no one near my heart. Friends of acquaintances, OKC dates, a friend of Lu’s from highschool. That last one was supposed to guarente I got over my lingering feelings, but it didn’t. I still think of him Every. Single. Day. 

Johnny and I had been trying to sync our schedules for weeks, but travel and work kept getting in the way. Our last time together was pretty cool. I know he’s a great a dude and it makes sense to like him, but as our date approached I was flooded with a desire to cancel. The LA fiasco left me in a dark place and I really didn’t feel I had the capacity to be kind and fun and entertaining to another human. I deliberated with some folks at my bar and we decided I shouldn’t be so damn selfish- What if sweet ol’ Johnny was jonesing for some Ashley time? Was if fair of me to deny him that? Not very. So I sucked it up and snapped out of my sulking. It was, however, going to take copious amounts of booze to make me believe I was interesting enough to be spending time with. We met at the bar down the street from my place and proceeded to get plastered. I knew I was in no mental state to enjoy sex and also that John is a very kind man that would understand, appreciate even, my honesty in stating so. But I didn’t. Because I was in self abuse mode. I talked incessantly about whatever bullshit was on my mind, not caring much about what he was hearing or what he might have to add. I made popcorn from scratch, which he didn’t know was possible. Um, ok. We watched a movie in bed, had sloppy half hearted drunk sex to no avail and passed the fuck out. The morning brought about a fuck-a-thon in which I faked a few orgasms and ended with him not reaching completion. Which totally pissed me off because we discussed this last time- I derive much more satisfaction from my partner getting off so please for the love of god don’t care so much about pleasing me if it means you will reach a point of no return. Then I felt a mother fucking cold sore forming as we laid naked in my bed and knew I had done my mind and body an injustice. In the shower I thought of every possible excuse I could give to get out of having lunch together as planed. We had a borring sober day together and I wished to god I could read his mind for thoughts about what I was too embarrassed to discuss. Cold sores make me want to kill myself. My mom has gotten them for as long as I can remember and I assume I obtained the disease from her, tho the first one popped up only a few years ago. If I hadn’t gone against the will of my body I bet this last one would have never surfaced. Johnny sent me a text later that day telling me he picked up some corn kernels. I didn’t respond and don’t plan to anytime soon. Maybe I’ll write him an email once I fully grasp my feelings and feel confident I can communicate them. 

Crazy James is back in the picture vying for my attention. He’s adorable, but just a bit too much for me to deal with. Also, I just wanna hang out with myself and those I can be productive with. I saw his coffee was being sold at Whole Foods and reached out to express I was thrilled for his business and hoped he was well. This led to consecutive visits to my bar and drunken pleas to lay next to him in his bed for nothing more than being close. No can do, J. I am in need of some soul searching and undistracted goal chasing. 

Song writing with 2 amazingly talented friends of mine this Sunday! Studio time to record a chorus for a super secretive mysterious long distant collaborative project next week! Affairs I can’t wait to start that will leave me more satisfied than sex has recently. This celibacy streak probably will not last as long as the last one, but self abuse will not be the motivator when it ends. I’ll take another Emily situation please. But, of course, not actually her. I love her even more as my buddy since she has moved here and plan to keep her forever as such.

Fucking Billy Brown

Three months ago, my long lost favorite fuck buddy from Queens contacted me about an project he was in the process of obtaining funding for. Billy relocated to Los Angeles over a year ago to peruse his acting career (and to be around more slutty babes I bet). We met a a punk house show in Bushwick where the ever so fantastic Hop Along Queen Ansleis was performing. I was lost getting off the subway and asked him for directions and a light for my clove. He told me later he was watching me on the train. I don’t remember being instantly attracted to him, which is odd because I currently regard him as one of the sexist humans I have ever met. That realization probably came after the sex. I was meeting another boy at the show, so I must have tuned out all of his charms. Like that raspy voice I would later have breathed down the back of my neck as he choked, contorted and rammed me from behind. I only encountered Bill a handful of times, but through the years we have made it a point to stay in touch and sext now and then. Since we again live in the same state, I have been looking forward to an excuse to see him in the flesh and expose my own to him. So, I jumped right on the opportunity to work with him on this  project he was about to dive into involving something I have fantasized about since I was kid. His father was an attorney for some major Porn companies when he was growing up. He has also had sex with the same girl at the same time with this dad of his. He has been exposed to the taboo and kinky so his own porn site seems a like a natural progression. And what a comfortable way to cash in on a daydream of mine, with some one I know and trust! We agreed on dates and I booked the flight. Mental and physical preparation took place and I excitedly filled in my friends of my planed adventure. Here maybe is the lesson I should keep somethings to myself… but I really believe it’s impossible. Like, maybe it’s a disorder? Compulsive self secret sharer? 

Billy had some film to shoot in Tokyo that seemed to have gotten pushed back and I grew worried as my travel date approached. Then he disabled his Facebook, or blocked me. Whatever, I have cool friends to visit in LA. If it doesn’t happen, I told myself, it wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I bet my deceased love Matthew was conducting some sort of divine intervention to stop his worst fear for me from unfolding. Nerves eased, Bill finally returned my text and said he’d be back in time and exclaimed excitement for our adventure. After a series of texts and a comprehensive meeting spot, he didn’t show. And never answered another text. I really hope he didn’t die. I expressed my disappointment and let him know I would have to terminate our friendship. A flake of that magnitude is unforgivable and such a waste of friendship energy. I know someone at Kink.com if this urge fuck on film attacks again. For now I will focus on the important stuff like music making with these amazing men around me and use my sexual energy to serenade. 

What I did do in LA: Visited with a lady friend whom I share a finger tattoo with. Was filled in on her adorable life. I am super proud of her, living on her own and working a job that means something to her and utilizes her degree. Her sex life is the same I when I last saw her, minimalistic and mostly with boys in bands. I really miss those days of running around backstage with her and making total groupie sluts out of ourselves. We once almost had a threesome together but she fled the room to sleep on the couch. Her innocence is one of my very favorite parts of her and I hope she finds someone to make her comfortable so she can enjoy uninhibited sex as soon as possible. I haven’t been the most available friend to her (or many of my beloved friends) and I am making an focused effort to change this. 

I spent a night and all of Valentines day with a boy in Beverly Hills. We have some mutual besties and I developed a crush on him during a 6 hour car drive on my last birthday. He shares a lot of the same mannerisms as my former roommate,  whom I will always adore despite our sort of falling out. The year or so we were close will live on as one of the highlights of my life. After drinking all day I found myself on this boys couch, head in his lap, fire place flickering, discussing the universe. Things got too deep for me, so I repositioned myself to straddling his lap instead. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might be game to play, but all of a sudden it was apparent we should totally sleep together. No romance or super deep friendship connection, but more than a random hook up. He’s far to brilliant for me to fathom any real relationship with him, but I find him oh so very deserving of my free love. 

The last day I spent alone in Venice beach rocking platform sandals, wayfarers and a black sundress. I was attacked by lady bugs and felt the rush of good luck. I was cat called and appreciated by strangers. I am really great at being alone. The entire world is my significant other. 

Jackson Jealousy

I work with 6 beautiful ladies whom individually give me reasons to love them even more each time I am graced with their presence. One of these ladies has shown me her flirtatious side more than once while tipsy. We even shared a mini make out session a few weeks ago before I took off for Florida and made a drunken promise to go further when I returned (she has stated she would really like to give a girl oral and insinuated I might be fun to experiment with). I think she is totally great, not the type of girl I am generally attracted to, but I’d play  with her. Except, since I have only known her a handfull of months and we work together, it might best to tread softly on these grounds. If it happens we will work it out, but I’m not going to seek it out. With that unspoken understanding between us I feel like we have a safe and unique relationship void of any of the catty shit that can so easily stir up between female friends. Like the way she felt terribly disrespected when another coworker spoke to her boyfriend (well, she refuses to call him that, but it is what it is) candidly about explicit sexual behavior. No harm was intended, but boy was she pissed! I don’t think she sees me as any sort of threat, which I solidified with my actions yesterday.

She and I run the show together on Sundays. Yesterday afternoon the bar filled and she told me how this dude she has a crush on was sitting at 22. No fucking way. Jackson totally drives me crazy! Fun to find the same dude attractive cause we have totally opposite tastes. Also fun to be distracted from the end of the day rush to giggle like school girls between taking orders and slinging beers. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about Jackson and I’s eye fucking past but she does not hesitate to fill me in on the fact she’s pretty certain he is into her. Maybe there is something about his shyness that let’s us girls fantasize easily that we make him nervous, meaning he must be attracted to us. She informs me she plans to finally make a move and ask him out and I fully support but tease about my jealousy. She deserves to win a date if she has the balls to bite the bullet and initiate. Cause all I ever do is look the other way when he’s around pretending to have zero interest which of course is the exact way to win over someone, right? Ugh. I can’t recall the last time a man made me feel like and incompetent, brainless lady with no game. 

So, she sweet talked him into staying till her shift was over for a drink while I sat on the opposite end of the bar and slammed 3 Knob Creek Manhattans. I get plenty of male attention and have a satisfying sex life, so I really shouldn’t allow myself to be jealous. BUT she also has an existing love life that will more than likely trump whatever sparks are between Jackson and herself. I was reminded of a similar situation a few years ago where a couple components were reversed. A girl friend and I were both crushing on a handsome male bartender and when she confided the attraction to me I had to suppress my own lusty feelings. That night I was a dumb drunk girl and naively went home with him and have little recollection to how his face found its way to my vagina.  Total bitch move, but said friend was totally ok with it, excited even! Said she wanted to live vicariously through me and would have been to shy to pursue him anyway. Fast forward a month or 2 when she found her way to his bed. We loved each other way more than some dumb boy and I think this actually brought us closer. We both continued to occasionally sleep with him, not really keeping tabs on the others relations with him. My favorite time with him was staying late (the sun was coming up) at his bar. After we put all the bar stools up I dropped my panties and he lifted my skirt. With my hands braced on the bar, he banged me from the back and came right on the floor of the bar that filled with our closest friends every night. So, part of me knows it is possible this current situation pans out in a related fashion. Another part me knows it is impossible to always get my way and its healthy to loose sometimes. 

She texted last night to inform me he kissed her. I haven’t responded. But not because I’m jealous, but because I’m too busy prepping for the fuck-a-thon in my immediate future. I’m in LA to shoot some porn for Billy’s future site. More on this after it goes down. 

(Source: touchmyevil)

mynameisntjessica asked: "Full Disclosure" is an awesome post to start off the new year. I look forward to checking out your blog. I practise polyamory with my boyfriend, and am very interested in other people doing the whole non-monogamy thing. Clever, articulate, and confident. I dig it, and am stoked to following you. Cheers.

Thank you so much! Your interest is encouraging :) Polyamory has interested me for sometime and I am finally at a place in my life where I can actively explore it, surrounded by a community that supports it. I’ll do my best to entertain you!

Zero Expectations

Plenty to post you on friends and foes who have any interest in my love life! What a distracted girl I have been. Believe me, I have kicked myself for it. I took a trip to my home state a couple weeks ago to do the visiting I missed out on over the holidays. I finally returned an email to my distant but beloved Sebastian. He wrote back nearly instantly informing he was currently in Mexico and had been gallivanting up and down the west coast the past month. No real explanation of the work he is doing, stating it will have to be revealed to me in person. I can only hope the reasons are scandalous and taboo. I wanna hit him back with something equally as adorable to what he sent me… I’m think ukulele lessons in my underwear? Gosh he is attractive. Well, from the photos I have seen anyway. Oh! And I disabled my OK Cupid account. Too many messaged from undesirables. So any new men added to my life will have to find me the old fashioned way.

The only action I got while in while back home were a couple kisses with my first girlfriend’s ex girlfriend (and best friends current personal assistant as well as his brothers ex girlfriend whom she slept with a week prior to this, 4 years after their break up). Our family of friends are incestuous and complicated and I wouldn’t want it another way. These kisses were shared during a wild parade party in which we were rolling in a crew 20 deep through thousands of other folks who had also been drunk since at least 11 am. The plan was to have a 3 some later with another slutty lady friend of ours when the day party was over. I ended up getting wrapped up in spending as much time with a long lost buddy who had spent the last few years teaching English in North Korea and would be leaving for Moscow at the end of the month. I was his prom date back in the day but I never gave him any action (because I was in love with previously mentioned ex girl). So, this was the perfect excuse to make out like highschoolers for the rest of the day. I can’t remember the first kiss, but I remember we couldn’t keep our mouths to ourselves after the occurance. We wandered the historic neighborhood pretty lost, walking into a random house party strait to the backyard and poured ourselves a drink. Chugged it before anyone could notice they didn’t know us and somehow figured out our real host’s location. The planned threesome had become a twosome and  was already well underway when we arrived. I had no real desire to join, too much respect for those ex’s of hers. But I did get to see naked bodies! Photos were taken. It really was pretty entertaining and I am stoked it happened.

Johnny had been absent from my life just long enough for me to realize I really did enjoy his company and I desired another taste ASAP. When I returned from my trip he met me at the end of my first work shift. A pile of my friends were dancing at a club near by so we marched the handful of blocks to meet them. The $20 cover and DJ’s I didn’t care for prevented us from joining them. A couple of my ladies were leaving at the same time so they were able to meet my beau. We were better off with alone time anyway. A quick shot at my bar to get us thru the treck to the hole in the wall dive I wanted to show him allowed a couple of my co workers to ogle. Last call sent us to my place where he met my Marc for the first time. All of these introductions make me feel like I’m easing him into permanence. Without intention, I think it’s fitting. I do desire some form of long term relationship with him. The approval from the company I keep is helpful to this decision. We had super connected sex that night. He can last forever, but the down side is it means sometimes he won’t come. His concern is my pleasure which he provided more than a few times. Uggh. Getting kind of wet just thinking about it. I am not so used to a dude not orgasming too and it leaves me a bit self conscious. I made him promise next time to come with out worrying about me. Next morning promise was kept with an artful perfectly shot strait line of semen from my belly button to between my collar bones. Yeah, I really dig our bedroom chemistry. Our lazy afternoons drinking tea and watching youtube videos are fun too. Easy. 

William came to me on accident. My coworker and I gave him a dollar for kicks after witnessing his baffled reaction when we handed our bar-back a pile of cash randomly. It was not obvious to him that we all worked there. Instantly he was attached to my hip and curious about everything that made me me. You have 7 seconds to impress a lady enough to keep her attention and something about him did this. Generally, super eager men are a turn off, but he seemed genuine and had cute features. Jerry Seinfeld hair though, which I probably wouldn’t be able to put up with  permanently. I was tipsy then and don’t recall much of our dialogue, but I do remember we made out at Amnesia and his hands were all over me. He didn’t want to give away his last name and was quite interested in my poly ways. So much in fact he was totally content making out with a girl sporting a hickey from another boy. He assumed this lifestyle of mine meant I was perpetually horny. The thought hadn’t really crossed my mind that my openness could be perceived this way. Slutty, sure. But because I’m open to having sexual relationships with more than one person must mean I am super horny never occurred to me. Well, I am not a girl constantly desiring of sex so much that I do not care whom it is with. I am a very sexual being, hyper aware that I exude it and enjoy the interactions I encounter regarding it. I like sex, but am not on the constant prowl for it and can (and tend to) go with out it for extensive periods of time. William and I spent the day together yesterday, sober, to get to know each other better. We made salads at the Whole Foods bar and had a picnic in Golden Gate Park. We walked the length of the park to Ocean beach and watched the sunset. He took the words from my thoughts several times. We had a beer at the Beach Chalet. We rode the Muni back to the Haight and drank Manhattans. We walked a billion blocks to the only open Mexican food place and split and Verde Burrito. He is currently undergoing some soul searching, unwilling to utilize his degree for a comfortable desk job because his heart is telling him to roam free. Admirable and relatable. He drove me home and told me how, unlike in his past, he prefers to get to know a lady well before sleeping with her. I don’t know if this is true or he is scared of me. He reminded me of my most recent ex, Lucius, more than once and he was totally scared of me. I’ll keep you posted, but I don’t believe I will be putting much effort into this one. But the less I try lately the more successful I am.

Sebastian

I still have yet to disable my OK Cupid account even though I really have no time for dates with new people and the ratio of desirable humans to losers is about 1:99. But because a couple noteworthy folks have entered my life via this method, I can’t bring myself to sever the ties. Favorite thus far is one I have yet to meet in person, instead we have developed a friendship via a series of emails. He’s a writer, so I was instantly drawn to his fanciful wording. In turn I thrive when given excuses to put my thoughts in text form. We exchange maybe 2 messages a month, and before he terminated his OKC account I had access to a handfull of photos to drool over. He is terribly handsome. Eastern European if I remember correctly. Perfect fucking teeth, which along with attractive hands will get you pretty far with me. We have ben using personal email to communicate rather than the dating site for majority of our conversations. He sent a photo of himself grinning and waving, I retaliated with my best attempt at a fist pump. He disclosed some of his short stories were inspired by affairs he embarked on stimulated by Craigslist. He suffers from depression and is currently on medication. He quit OKC cause the gain was a slew of one night stands and he feels that was leading to a numbing sex life. That friendship is more difficult to achieve than an orgasm. I genuinely enjoy getting to know him without the physicality. I’m sure I’d enjoy jumping his bones, but I get bored with the pants I get into with little effort. He stimulates me in ways few are allotted the opportunity to. I have little time to spare, so our sparse correspondance is ideal and leaves me that much more giddy when my inbox tells me he’s reached out.

Here is the kicker- the inspiration behind this post: He sang me a mother fucking song. I cried. For serious. He wrote a quick sentence and attached an audio file to his last email. His speaking voice kinda sounds like Connor Oberst (super sexy to me). 

“Hello Ashley Melanson, this is Sebastian BlahBlah. Since I am still out of state and will not be able to embarrass myself in the flesh, I thought I’d do so this way instead. Here is a song I know you like”

Followed by a sweet rendition of “Standing In The Light” by Dr. Dog, a song I sent him in November stating I wish I had penned such a master piece. Either he knew the tune or he learned it for me, both are admirable in my view. 

Serious panty dropper. 

I think I’m in love.

Full Disclosure

I’m a little late to start a oh twelve blog, but better late than never. If I write everyday, this can only aid in my song writing I hope. I have started to compose a short story of sorts inspired by my Craigslist endeavors a few years ago in New York. Putting these partially private memories to words inspired me to disclose some of my current, less than conventional activities. I have never really been very good about keeping secrets about myself to myself.  One I held on to for a long time was how a childhood friend taught me to masturbate when we were 8 years old. Not touching ourselves or each other, but by humping pillows with a rolled up sock placed in our underwear to create the proper friction a soft pillow cant do. I in turn showed this to another female friend of mine, except I thought we should try to rub against each other instead. I’ll never know if it would have been possible for us to get off cause her older sister walked in on us totally freaked out. I’m pretty sure she never told our parents. 

Now that that’s off my chest there will be nothing too embarrassing to post here. I’m pretty slutty. But in a good way, cause I recognize and love it about myself. I used to wonder if really I was secretly hurting myself cause I have suffered self inflicted pain in the past. But I’m over those thoughts. It feels healthy. My standards are high. I have had too many failed relationships (3) and great stringless sex to not have faith in this being a totally acceptable path for me to take. I have also been fascinated with polyamory since it’s introduction to me a few years ago by a lovely California lady I met on the subway platform. She lent me “The Ethical Slut” as a means to opening my mind to the existence of a type of relationship she already sensed my brain was set up for. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have the best examples of traditional relationships growing up or maybe it’s “nature” and “Baby, I was born this way”. Whatever circumstances led me to having full faith in the possibility of a healthy functional open relationship, I am far from mad at them. I know that it feels right, but I also know I don’t know enough to preach or teach. I do, however, live in probably the best city to learn and experience more of the poly world. And I wanna share the information and stories with YOU!

Lemme catch you up to my current line up of boyfriends (fake names of course):

I met James at my place of work. He’s the most recent hook up. I waited on him once and instantly felt the tension. I could tell we were kind of flirting but I didn’t really know what to do about it, how long he had been a customer and if it was ok to want to sleep with him. Next time he came in he was already tipsy and easier to make some headway with. The flirtations were heavier and innuendoes were thrown. So, I invited him to join us at my co worker and recent neighbor’s house party that night. But first he wanted to show me his new place. Half a block from the bar I work at. Should have been a warning I’m sure to be super careful, cause if it turned out badly I would have a hell of a time avoiding him. But I drown smart stuff like that out, spontaneity is much more fun. It was the first time he stepped foot into this new place so his room was totally bare. I didn’t find out till late in the evening that he was currently residing in Oakland and planed to crash on his hard wood floor. This would prove to be a very convenient reason for him to come home with me later instead. He showed off the super sweet back yard and kissed me under a tree. He asked if I had a boyfriend, I told him a had a few. He didn’t have much to say then, but I sensed he was not keen on sharing. I have made a vow to not gloss over this bit of info anymore. I want it to be clear I am not looking for a monogamous relationship right off the bat. The party was fun. We got trashed and stumbled (literally, he was incapable of walking in a strait line) back up to my residence on the hill top. He dropped many hints through out the night that maybe he was kinda crazy, but not crazy enough for me to really be scared. And maybe crazy equated to a fun lay. He told me he loved me on the walk which cause me to resist jumping right into bed, but I have a hard time saying no to receiving oral sex. Something I have come to realize west coast men LOVE to do. Not ONE of my sexual partners in New York ever just dove right in the way almost all of the men here do. Anyway, he told me he loved me again during the act and I had to shove him off and force sleep time. Sex in the morning was nice and we didn’t talk about the “L” bomb. With the loss of his cell phone the previous night there was no awkward obligation to stay in immediate touch which I appreciated very much. He stopped in to the bar a little over a week later to announce he was all moved in and respected the bar and myself and needed that to be clear. I dunno if/when I will hang with him again. Maybe if I’m desperate for a decent fuck, but I’m hardly ever in short supply of boys.

I have been on one date with Miles. We met on OK Cupid. He has a serious girlfriend he loves very much and they practice the rules of an open relationship.  He’s intelligent and tall and has great hands, which I hold in very high regard. Our texts to each other are clearly given significant thought and never fall short of clever. I like playing with words almost as much as I enjoy playing with people. More on him after our second date.

Johnny and I went out several times. He is very well endowed and looks like a caricature. He rocks Buddy Holly glasses and vintage letterman jackets. He handmakes toddler clothing that Diplo adorns his little ones with. He gives amazing kisses. He’s vegan and has happily let me feed him twice. I haven’t been making as much time for him unfortunately, I really like being around him and maybe that scares me.

I have a serious crush on Jackson. Just thinking about him makes me wet. Never mind when he is in my immediate vicinity. It started months ago with eye fucking, every god damned time I glanced in his direction our stares locked. I have maybe said a total of 40 words to him, but our eyes have said so much more. If I ever grow the balls to ask him out, you’ll be the first to know!

Billy is a lover from my past. He lives in LA and I haven’t seen him in over a year. Mid February this will no longer be a true fact and I am over the moon with anticipation! He is currently lined up to impregnate me when I decide I am ready to procreate and find myself with out without a willing partner. No stress, this is at least five years off. 

Then there’s the pile of boy’s waiting for their first date with me, and of course those I have yet to meet. Ideally, one or more of these casual encounters will become something more serious. I am interested in relationships, not just getting my rocks off. I do have really awesome friends though, so it will take some effort to impress me. As I type this, I just received a text from an SF friend inviting me to a private Poly club  tonight. I work, but it goes till 3am. Sounds like it could be an orgy? Which is totally on my bucket list. Unfortunately, I also work at 9am tomorrow and I refuse to risk being hung over or late, but it’s tempting indeed. 

portraitasazoo:

speriod:

blurintofocus:

billboard:

Sneak peek: Love her or hate her (and trust us, it’s usually a polarizing reaction), Lana Del Rey covers our Best Bets 2012 issue. Full cover story hits Billboard.com tomorrow.

OMG GUYS.  Can we talk about how Speriod is THE BEST.  When this comes out and I will read his article and listen to Lana Del Rey for the first time.

My first cover story for Billboard. I’m so, so, so happy/excited/every emotion. This article took four months to write. It was not easy. And it’s good. You’ll see tomorrow when text hits the ‘net. For now, I’m going to go drink a huge amount of whiskey, shake hands and kiss babies!

Steven! YOU DA BEST I SWEAR IT.

I’m going to read this so hard, and so should you!